Sex is supposed to be fun, isn’t it?

We are constantly inundated with media telling us that sex is fabulous. We know exactly how it is supposed to look, feel, unfold…. So why does the reality never seem to live up? The truth is, there is no normal for sex— there is only your experience.  Maybe sex makes you feel physically uncomfortable and distracted. Maybe it feels good — so good that you get overwhelmed, which doesn’t feel good at all.

Then it is possible that you don’t really know how you feel about sex much of the time. Maybe this is because you shut down and tune out. Or it could simply be that sex is a confusing blend of positive and negative stimuli. It is hard to even know what the problem actually is. Maybe you enjoy the lead up to sex but find the “good part” consistently disappointing. Or maybe you just can’t get to the sex because the lead up is too hard. Tuning into your emotions is always a challenge, and sexual situations are ten times worse.

Next there is the fact that during sex you are supposed to somehow know what is going to make another person feel good, when you can barely identify what makes you feel good. Is it OK to ask? Sometimes people don’t like that. But reading people in the moment may not be your strength, so what are you supposed to do?

As an autistic person, whether diagnosed or not, you have probably spent much of your life accommodating other people’s expectations. It is only natural to bring this safe go-to into your sex life. You have sex because that is what people, or people in relationships, do. You have sex because you have learned that not wanting it would make you a humorless prude (if you are a woman) or bring your masculinity into question (if you are a man.) Sometimes all of the expectations can make it even harder to tune in to what you yourself really want. And having sex when you don’t want to actually feels pretty terrible.

And then there are those fantasies that you think about late at night — are those OK to bring up? Are they even OK to have? Some of them seem kind of contradictory to your usual sense of who you are. But those may be the only way you can really get excited.

If any of these concerns resonate, autism-informed sex therapy can help. And yes, talking about all of this with a therapist can feel just as vulnerable as you’d expect. That’s OK. You don’t have to be ready — you just have to be willing to start.